Infertility! Where?

Kowshic was, or rather “is”, my first kid. I consider him so as he was the first baby whom I had an opportunity to handle (sans the nappy changing part!) and play around for a long time. I loved him. I adored him. I would have destroyed anything or anyone that even remotely tried harming him, for he was pure.

Pure goodness, genuine emotions, infectious smile, innocence untouched by vagaries of our politically correct lifestyle in public, rank opposite in private. Isn’t it the reason why we love most of the babies? I, for one, haven’t had any repulsive feelings towards any babies. I find them cute. All the people I have been around also feel the same. So they have told me. So far so good.

This post is not about Kowshic though. It is about our love towards toddlers like him.

How genuine it is?

Often, the true character of a person comes out in times of grave crisis. One such crisis in personal life, which I see in quite a few people, had thrown this thought at me, couple of years back. Though, the thought is old, its relevance, obviously, holds good even now, and also for years to come.

Off late, fertility issues for bearing a kid has been blown big time with many of married couples (and unmarried ones!), who despite all the efforts, blessings of forefathers, divine interventions, end up being childless. I have come across, in my limited circle of friends and relatives, atleast half a dozen such couples, who are childless.

Lot of reasons are attributed to this so called fertility issues. From biological to astrological imbalance. Stress in life (personal / official), pollution, fast foods, hereditary causes, medical disorders, side effects of some other medications, sins committed in previous birth / by forefathers, unfavourable position of Sun, Moon, Mars, Venus, Anus, Jupiter, Helicopter, Tractor, in the birthchart.

Reasons offered (by others, ofcourse) are endless. But then, so are the solutions.

Reason to the Power or Reason (Reason Squared) 100% Guarantee(e2)d solutions are also afforded – what with several medical alternatives being available – from Yunaani to Sidha to Ayurveda and to a lot of other alternatives practiced from time immemorial. Yogis offer certain Asana, the Purohit recommends Yagas, the Astrologer recommends 108 visits to Temples / Holy places, the Doctor recommends change in life style, neighbour recommends this Doctor, in–Law’s favour the other Doctor, the family Doctor recommends self, the TV anchor has introduced the India’s Best . .. . . . Phew! This list is also equally endless.

Some of them DO yield results. (Identifying which one would be as controversial as the Egg vs Chicken debate). It is also immaterial, to me and to this post of mine.

Even as the couples practice most of the solutions offered to them, most of them still seem to be in search of that elusive result. Priorities take back seat. What was of top most priority (career, family, in laws, recognition etc.) gradually moves backward. Child suddenly seems like the only object of life.

Mother of five would crave for recognition from the society which an Executive woman gets. The executive envies the other for being just that – a mother. As my sister recently pointed out, people crave for what they don’t have.

In some cases, the desperation for a child seems so much like a desire for a trophy which one would want to flaunt. Its value is derived from what others ostensibly give. (The fact that others don’t give a cribbing damn after sometime, is often realized only in hindsight!)

Childlessness also sometimes make people crazy, cranky, sinister, snide, evil, good, generous in equal measure.

I have seen couples getting into a shell. They lose interest in the happenings around them. Their concern for others falls drastically. There is an yearning for a kid, at the sight of one. There is a genuine love when they look at those tiny tots, and the lack of a person to shower that love make them cringe with pain.

Its absence breaks families. It breaks relationships. It makes people take a very very cynical take on life. Marriages are broken. Marriages for siblings are getting delayed (fearing the same childness). Concern grows. Gloom sets. People turn sick, physically and mentally.

In some cases, they end up doing something much better as well. Like, I came across a couple whose childlessness had made them rethink about the purpose of their life, and they focused their attention completely to serving the forsaken elders. I have heard of people starting schools in remotest villages citing the same reason – childlessness. It props them to do something else, away from all the negative thoughts that flows in if the mind is idle. It helps them stop thinking of gloom.

Having seen some of them break down, citing tremendous societal pressure, and the snide remarks they are showered with by outsiders, including remarks by so called super qualified professionals (without any restriction from Professional Accountants to Gynecologists to Software Professionals to “you–name–it–they–too–suck–professionals”), with an deplorable sense of decency, I am left wondering if those qualified thoroughbred bastards are really educated in dealing with human emotions.

All I am left with is just sympathy to the childless couple, and a wish, though not often communicated, that they do sire one.

Whenever I have discussed this with a few of those couples, I have asked them only one question “Why not adoption?” only to get a blunt response “No.”. My next “why so” is replied by an equally blunt “You won’t understand!” I would certainly like to know, with all the abilities endowed upon me, why wouldn’t I understand!

Even by any remote chance, if the couple do decide to adopt, their immediate circle is vociferous and ever so eager in raising the red flag, citing numerous reasons – caste, creed, religion, ancestry, purity of the sired (Hitler?), social acceptance, so on and so forth. All of which I would categorize under “Bull Shit”. The other reasons offered are “the psychological impact on the kid when it grows up and knows that it was an orphan at birth”. These reasons are categorized under “Pure Crap”. No different.

Honestly, I thought these junglee lines are something which one comes across only in retrograde movies, till I heard these ugly talk happening in person.

Some of these “desperate for kid” couples, when they come to know of their near and dear(?!!) have sired a kid, express extreme emotions in equal measure (so it seems to me) – desperation and contentment, jealousy / envy and genuine happiness, pain and peace, and I am not able to help myself from trying to fathom such reaction. Even more difficult to digest is the fact, is the reasons they themselves offer for not adopting a kid, which looks immature and lacks any real affection for the to be born kid, for what it is. "We want a kid, to keep others quite.", and I feel like "Eh??"

This is when, my sympathy towards them takes a “U–turn” to a kind of weird thought that urges my foot to do some tap service on their neck, break their skull and leave that place. On top of it, my “not–so–nice–but–not–so–stupid–either” question of “Why?” is being retorted with “You won’t understand” bullshit.

Thats when I am convinced that they don’t deserve a kid in the first place. To them, it is just a trophy, to show to the world that they are biologically proper, and that they are blessed. That they have no flaws. A superior sense of purity. It serves them just and proper that they don’t have a kid.

A transgender and a genderless individual knows more about parenting, than some of the biologically straight ones. In one of the news article, one of them had stated “Parenting is not biological, but emotional. The relationship is not necessarily established through the blood filled umbilical chord whose physical reflection we always carry in our belly, but is built on love and trust, which can only be felt and experienced.”

Adoption has been identified, in many cases, as the life and relationship saver. These are not just utopian ideas. Scores of published reports of real world incidents and experiences are available which highlight that people do get back their happiness with an adoption. It brings back the purpose. It makes us proud and happy. Parents have been found to work with a renewed vigour and zeal in their other facets of life. It creates an everlasting bond as well. Any kid, not only the one conceived in your womb, even the one you would have loved to, will create that bond.

Adoption does work. As long as people understand that they are adopting a kid, not a trophy.

Mere desperation without clearly understanding, or rather realizing, why we need a kid, serves only a sick mind.

Whether their desperation for a child is genuine? My answer is an Emphatic Yes.

Whether their love for “children” is genuine? My answer is neither an optimistic Yes, nor an pessimistic No. It is not emphatic either way, for I am not convinced either way.

All I would like to know is just an answer to the these questions – Why would I not understand? And most importantly, what is really infertile in them – the body or the mind? Is it their truest character, that of being politically correct, even in matters of love towards innocence?

Then what about the “blessed ones”? Is it just and proper for them to have that “trophy”? Thats for another day, another post.