What I Learnt When Teaching

J Ashok

"Sir, I didn't understand that. Like ... why do we consider opportunity cost here, eh, mm.., but not in the previous question?"

It was my first batch of class. I was handling a question in Financial Management. The concept was about Equivalent Annual Benefit. I had explained the first model on the topic. Everything went on smoothly. Atleast so I thought. I explained the second model, a question on optimal replacement time taking a different approach, not so convincingly. I realised that a bit late, only after that question, for which I had no answer.

The question was from Ashok. In a class of around 20 odd students, when each of their eyes communicated a certain degree of doubt over what I was explaining, he was the one who raised this all important question. "Why?"

'In case of mistakes, with others - we seek judgement, with self - we seek compromise' was an SMS I received from one of my friends a few months back. Reading that I can only remember the ugly manner in which I conducted myself in response to that question, seeking some kind of compromise from that lot.

The ugly part of that entire scenario was me. That question was a subtle reminder that I never understood the concept of Equivalent Annual Benefit properly. Shamelessly, I went about defending my idea, which even I was not convinced. Shamelessly, I tried to cover up my ignorance, ineffectiveness and inefficiency. Even more shameless was the fact that I knew that I was wrong, and still went about defending myself, thanks to those three letters E-G-O. In doing so, my actions were contradicting what I thought I believed in - 1. Understanding being the first and foremost of priorities while learning; 2. Acknowledging the weakness / deficiency and go about correcting, rather than put up a defensive approach trying to cover your weakness.

That was the worst day of my life. I had goofed up big time. In my very first set of class.

I felt like a sucker who screwed himself. I could not sleep the entire night. I cursed all those text books which did not help me in the entire process. I broke my knuckles ramming the wall of my room. I bruised my palm by constantly hitting my forehead. But my ego had bruised even more. I cursed myself for being such a dud, as to why I never thought of that question, why did I ever simply try to replicate the answer given in standard books without even questioning or appreciating the basics.

Though I corrected myself and explained the entire idea much more purposively and properly in the next class, the entire event was a lesson to me, some new and some a reminder.

The human mind and its ego is such that it will seldom accept being projected as a weakling. Like I defended my limitations by uttering gibberish. It requires some spine to accept and acknowledge your weakness in front of a few people. It requires spine to even speak up. No difference with students as well.

As a student, whenever I was not convinced or not understood an idea which my teacher was explaining, I never raised my hand. For that would mean projecting myself as a dud in a class, where I thought (presumed) everybody else is super smart (that was till my CA Results were out). You fear being banished and looked down upon by your peers.

Acceptance of your limitation is not a sign of weakness, but reflects the strength of your character. A philosophy which I thought I was following, untill I saw Ashok exhibiting that trait while I was defending its contrary.

It requires a great degree of spine to speak out and speak up. Ashok had that in abundance, as was evident when the entire class remained silent. As was evident in whatever conversation I had with him. He was candid and forthright, without trying to appease me or diplomatic.

Among the cheap spineless cowards and the disfigured Harvey Dents of the real world, who speak one here, another there, and constantly contradict themselves, Ashok was different. Though highly sensitive who cannot hide his emotions so very convincingly, his sensibilities remained intact through the time I knew of him. Though the guilt of having failed him twice lingers hard even now, I remember him more for that class than anything else. In a class where I am supposed to teach a few concepts to my students, I learnt a lesson or two on life from one of them.

Thanks kid.

Have a fresh start. For a new day is very closer, in more ways than one. This is for you.