The Monkey Who Bought A BlackBerry

CAUTION! Please read through if and only if you are thoroughly jobless, and absolutely incapable of finding one. This "Fable" is for only those who dream. And just dream.

THE MONKEY WHO BOUGHT A BLACKBERRY

"A Cathartic Story That Preaches As It Pukes" - Vavvalo Goyalla

 

Gibbs was on his table, writing down something when he fell flat. I had never seen him even slump or slouch in his chair till that date. Working non stop for almost 300 minutes every day, inspiring all of us to find some way to work that much. Just that much every day for four days a week.

He had been working that way for the past four years, and leading our team for the past five, and still he could not find the success that was his before he was leading. Over the past four years that I have known him, he had turned from a cheerful person to a chairful person due to his work dedication. And I was his favourite understudy.

Among the team members, he had special "thing" for me and we had spent the maximum time working together i.e. outside our office. From Sub Way to Pizza Hut to Food Court to Courtyards. Roof Top to Pool Side Restaurants, our bums had seen and felt it all. He earnestly believed that his chair would definitely be mine next, as he gets promoted to a better position with a wider chair.

And today, it was shocking to see him collapse and his face hitting the table with a thud, and dislodging the work papers and a plate of pizza and the bottle of his favourite cola spilled over the carpet.

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Gibbs refused to see anybody at the hospital. He had sent his resignation, and told that I was most the capable to fill his place. But the management had other ideas. He even refused to see me. His favourite. So I thought. He had sold all his size 46 trousers without even letting me know. He had sold his property at dead cheap prices. His scooter was taken away by a scrap dealer for nought. He had even disposed off his lap-top! He then just vanished from the hospital, with a note for me "Dearest Mack! Apologies. Will be back. Sometime. Gibbs"

That was the last I heard of him. And that was four years ago.

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I disembarked from the train and walked towards my home. All of two kilometres. Two subways and one footover bridge later, I entered the very familiar territory and slumped into the cushion chair. Was wondering again, how I lost 35 Kgs over the past four years. How I had to work for 9 hours every day for six days a week. I just wondered, how nice it would have been, had Gibbs been around. As my mind was spinning backwards, the door bell buzzed and woke me up from the slumber. It was 7.30 pm. Who could it be so late at night?

As I opened the door, there stood a man, lean, athletic and full of energy, aged about 30 years, with a glint in his eye, Hush Puppies on his feet, Rolex in his forearm, Diamond ring in his left fingers, a Reid and Taylor suit and a Blackberry in his hand.

I opened the door, to find that man typing something nonstop on his BlackBerry, ambling to the left now and to the right now. Then the Berry buzzed, and he answered "Yeah? .... Yes.... On sure..... Send an email confirmation.... Definitely a Lunch Meeting tomorrow........ 3 pm... American geography isn't very profitable.... That was history..... True, True..... that is a fantastic vertical which isn't flat.... mmm, that would affect the bottomline..... Okay then. See you tomorrow. Will confirm the meet over mail as well."

He punches something in his phone. Calls somebody and asks "You got my confirmation mail for tomorrow? ... So you got it? Thats great. Bubbye." He slid his Berry into his inner pocket in the jacket. Took out a pair of sun glasses.

He raised his head. Looked at me. Looked at his watch again. Wore the sun glasses. Looked in my direction. Smiled. Then pressed the doorbell again.

"Excuse me!"

He looked up again in my direction, removed his glasses. "Oh! You were fast to open the door. I appreciate such efforts."

"Err... Thanks... You are...?"

"Mack! Oh Mack! Would you treat a guest of yours interrogating at the doorstep? Mind if we go inside and talk?"

That voice. That voice. And I fainted.

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'Mack, how about a Cheese burger today at BurgerDen?' I was hearing Gibbs from four years back, still ringing in my ears. "Mack! Mack! You okay." I felt somebody shaking me.

I opened my eyes, the young man was shaking me. I was still at the doorstep. The man was Gibbs.

Next moment, we were at the hall talking. "How Gibbs? Is it really you? How did you manage all this?"

"Mack! My Mack! You want to know every thing so fast." Berry buzzed again. He was off. "So Mack, as agreed, we are meeting tomorrow, for lunch? Right?"

"What? When?" I was wondering if he had said something. May be he had. For he looked like a sage with a fixed smile on his face. A la Joker. Batman would have loved him.
"Mack! Tomorrow. At 12 noon. At the Akshaya. And thats where I will tell you all. Let good things wait one more day."


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I stopped my moving hulk outside Akshaya at 11.40 am. Went in and asked "Table in the name of Mr. Gibbs."
"You mean Mr. Gibbon?"
"Yes."
He raised his arms to the right and then to the top "This way sir, fourth branch, on the left side, on the eastern wing. Table 'Tree Top Five' "
"Thank You."
"Welcome." Few minutes and several doses of pantings later, I was at the table. Time was 11.58 am. Then I looked up at the entrance, there was Gibbs. Bingo! On time. It was so un-Gibbs like! Some better suit (Armani?). Different Watch (Mont Blanc?), those shoes (Italian?), a different sun glasses with Gucci inscribed along the sides. And that "U" smile. Whatever happened to his size 46 waist. He looked a lean 32.


"Now that we are here, why don't you enlighten me on your transformation, Gibbs..."
"Here You Go!"

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I left the hospital unknown to anybody because, I couldn't tell anybody. I had not paid the bills. I had used my Health Insurance Card to settle the dues. But I never expected the attendants to reject the health card. I didn't have any bills to settle the their bills. I had to ease out, else, I would have been, well... you know....

I then boarded an auto, and then a train and the couple of kilometres of walk, and here I was in Bannergetta, the land of Saints, who knew all. There I met Shri. Zee, who gave me all the advices I need to get better. He recommended the Seven Deadly Rules to meet success.

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One. Document... Document everything.

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I stopped Gibbs. "What do you mean by document everything?"
"Everything means everything."
"Come on man! Be specific."
"Cool... Cool... Document means writing down or atleast recording everything from the time you wake up, time of entering into office, the work you do etc."
"You mean, I should record everything I do."
"Everything you do and also everything you don't do."
"Err..."
"Suppose you wake up at 7.00 AM and enter into the office by 11.30 AM. And did nothing for the entire day till 5.00 PM. Record as if you woke up at 5.00 AM, started to office by 6.00 AM, started your work by 8.00 AM and met this this clients, what your boss told you and started off from office by 8.00 PM."
"What?? Isn't that a lie?"
"Nopes! How can that be a lie? Now tell me, haven't you ever thought of waking up by 5.00 AM? Haven't you ever dreamt of reaching office by 8.00 AM? Tell me Mack!"
"Yes. I have always dreamt of doing all those things."
"Thats it. Record your dreams."
"You said record what I do."
"I also told record what you didn't do. But in this case, you did dream right? That also is counted as doing."
"What is the use?"
"See. When at a later point of time your promotion and such thing comes up, you have all the document to back your claim, whereas your competitors will have nothing to offer as proof of performance. You got it?"
It started making sense. Document everything. This will be rule number one for me hereafter.

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Two... Before you start anything list ten possible excuses for its failure.

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I was ecstatic. "Wow! I got this one."
"What did you understand?"
"If I can find ten reasons why my efforts can fail, I can go about doing everything to rectify and eliminate all possible reasons, and so that there will be only success when I do. Right?"
"Wrong! Wrong! Mack, Mack, why can't you understand? What if there is an eleventh reason for your failure?"
"Oh.. Yeah. I didn't think of it. What to do? What did you mean? What did Shri Zee mean?"
"List ten possible excuses. And build on them. Practice offering those excuses at home. Master the act of convincingly playing out those excuses. So that even if you fail, you have all possible excuses and the world's best performance to ready to convince the other person."
"Isn't that against work ethics?"
"Despite your sincere 'thoughts', and a desire to 'see' a project succeed, how often did you taste success?"
"But isn't that the reason for the failure? Mere thought and a desire to 'see' cannot yield results?"
"C'mon Mack! Remember the first tenet. Thinking is doing."
"So?"
"Since you have thought about what to do that is as good as doing."
"Yeah...." Now it all started making sense. What Gibbs was telling isn't just a rule for success in business or career. It was a philosophy to be applied for success in life. "And I cannot wait for hearing the other tenets."

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Three.... Mail all.


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"What do you mean by mail all?"
"Mail everything to everybody who count."
"Please elaborate."
"You give an advice or opinion to your client or you fix up an appointment with your boss over phone or do any such thing in person or over phone. Follow it up with a mail to that person."
"But why? Wouldn't I have just spoken to him. Or her."
"Mack! Why can't you see? How will the world know what you have spoken to him?"
"How will the world know if I have spoken to him, by sending an email to the very same person? And what business has the world in knowing my personal stuff?"
"You got me there. Atleast partly. Now listen. Nobody is asking you to share anything which is your personal stuff. As a matter of fact, don't even ever show that you have a personal life. What I meant was, send a mail, and mark CC to everyone that matters."
"Why?"
"To show to them that you are doing everything and more than what you are expected to do."
"Which means, I should once again apply Rule One. Right?"
"Mack, you are a quick learner."

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Rule Four..... Use jargons.........

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"What is a jargon?"

"Just a minute." Gibbs had walked off. And I decided to ogle at the sweet girls and babes on the next table. When they looked back at me, I altered my vision to blankly stare at the empty space behind them, through them, making them think that I wasn't actually looking at them. When I was caught looking at their assets, I decidedly made my stare even more intense, and gave that sudden reaction of "Eureka", so that my stare was considered to be one of pondering, rather than meandering. All these tricks and gyaan was from Gibbs. Gibbs. What a man! I consider Gibbs to be from the heaven to guide me through my trouble. Including ogling troubles. Now where did the God go? It is more than a minute.

His minute had 60 x 60 seconds. He came back with some 50 sheets of paper. He gave them to me, and asked me to read through them.

"Whats this?"

"Meaning for jargon."

"This much?"

"Yeah. Read through them, I'll be back in a minute."

It was another 60 x 60 minute. Another round of ogling. Another round of pondering. And of course, I was also reading. I understood what jargon was all about. It was about using some technical terms in communication.

Gibbs was back in two minutes i.e. Gibbs Standard Time. It was time dinner.

"So?"

"I understood what a jargon is. But what I don't understand is their relevance for success."

"Simple. When communicating, one of the things that gives you that aura is usage of terms that are technical. Usage of these terms straightway puts you on a pedestal that is far higher than what people can even remotely aspire for. As a result, you'll always be the boss."

"Don't we all use jargons every other day."

"Didn't you read the print outs fully?"

Fearing another minute of pondering, and couple of Eureka's, I said, "I did. But please tell me fully."

"Mmm... Its about using unconnected words to communicate. More about usage of uncommon words and phrases. It should be a lot different. Let me give you an example. How will you ask your colleague Sinceropath about his performance in the division? Please identify the division as well."

"How did your Central Division do in the preceding month? How many calls did you attend? How many were succesful responses. Any irate customers? Any..."

"Stop. Stop. Thats enough. Now, you should be asking him 'Whats the graph of his geography look like?', 'Any customers on the red?' etc."

"Whats Geography? Red is a colour? Now don't go running off to printers. Tell me in smaller terms." Gibbs explained, and I listened. "But, will he understand?"

"He shouldn't and thats the idea. He should always ask you for clarifications, and guidance."

Now I realized what made Gibbs, Gibbs - Boss, Inspiration, God.

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Rule Five ..... Google and Print.

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I knew I got this point the moment Gibbs told me. "I should take a print out for whatever question my boss throws at me."
"Perfect."
"But what do I print?"
"Just google the question. It will throw out half a million results. Leave the first two pages of search results. Take a print out from the remaining pages for half an hour. You have a 100 page answer ready."
"Would the boss have time to read through all?"
"No. Thats why you summarize."
"But would I have time to read through all and summarize?"
"No. Thats why you summarize whatever you think isn't approximately incorrect."
"Eh?! Then why do I take the print outs. And won't my assertion on his question be wrong."
"No. It won't. You take print outs because lots of papers would add validity to your statement."
"But the statement isn't true."
"Who said about it being true?"
"But why leave the first two pages of the search results?"
"Because your boss would have seen the first two pages. If you source your contents from those links, he would think you haven't worked."
Boy! Gibbs was a genius. I will also become one. 

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Rule Six ..... Modernize Yourself

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Modernize? I knew I had no clue at all. "Gibbs. Now. Please don't go about googling or printers. I haven't got the faintest of idea about 'modernisation'. As in human modernisation. I have heard of equipments being modernized, but this ......"

Gibbs smiled. He took a leaf of tissue paper placed on our table. He slid his hands into his blazer and took out, what I consider the most precious looking pen.
"What is that?"
"First close your mouth." I obliged.


I sat there wondering what on earth he was scribbling on that piece of paper. He handed over that to me. Something was written in chinese or whatever language I didn't know. "What is this?"
"I have written 'You are what you have.'"
"This is Chinese, right?" I was asking Gibbs with all the admiration I had for him.
"Mack! How can you even call that as Chinese? Its English."
"But this looks like ........" I was mumbling feeling embarassed.
"This looks like Japanese. And not Chinese."
"This is not Japanese, then?"
"No its not. It looks like Japanese. But its English."
"Any trouble with your hand, Gibbs?"
"Mack... Mack.. Mack... when will you learn? These are part of the modernisation process. Always invoke something eastern ideas into your thoughts and actions and words. Use western jargons, but always remember the east." He was moving his hand left and right. I forgot the directions. I saw the watch as he waved his hands.
"Gibbs, what is that watch? It looks absolutely fab."
"Oh. This one. Take it." Gibbs gave it to me. Just like that!
"Gosh!!! Its a Longines." I remembered Longines to be priced a bomb. 70 Grands and above. And Gibbs just gifted it. "But Gibbs..." I extended my hand to return that piece of gem.
"No. No. No. Its for you only."
"Its a Longines, Gibbs."
"Its a Longines lookalike Mack. Look at the spelling." It was spelt "Longlines". I smiled at my own stupidity. But it definitely felt like a million bucks.
"But why a lookalike?"
"They are cheap. And they do the same thing."
"Thats true. Every watch is only to know the time."
"Who said anything about knowing time?"
"Then?"
"They create 'that' impact, leaving the other person to be spellbound for a few moments, during which you can get what you want."
"Really? Does it happen?"
"Of course. Did you realize that you just paid the restaurant bill?"
He was correct. I didn't realize. The bill was for a whopping Rs.10,000, for 3 more tables put together, which was also being hosted by Gibbs. That explains his absence for long times.
"This is what I meant, modernize yourself. But spend less. Get more things done. Groom yourself good. Hit the gym. Know all the equipment names and their uses. Learn a few yogasanas. But learn the names of all the Asanas. Know what is Tai Chi, Taek Won Do and the like. You need not do everything. You should know everything. Quote instances from the Mythology. Quote Rama. Quote Vishnu. Quote Jesus. Quote the Prophet. Quote Bradman, Sachin, Sai Baba, Batman, Joker, Spiderman and David Blaine. Know every celebrity, and what they say."
"Is it possible Gibbs?"
"No. Its not possible."
"Then?"
"Tell whatever comes to your mind, and say that it was said by any celebrity whose name you can recollect at that time."
"Why?"
"Create the impact!! And get things done." I looked at my purse. Gibbs had just given Rs.1000 as tips to the waiter. From my purse.
I learnt a lesson.

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Rule Seven ..... Do Your Duty. A Little Less.

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Though disappointed at the loss of over Rs.13,000 over three hours, I was glad that I had evolved, mentally atleast over the period. I guess this is what they call as Learning Cost. I can apply the same strategy to do get my things done. And my mind was itching for the Seventh Rule.


But Gibbs was leaving. 
"Gibbs, What about the seventh rule?"
He looked at me puzzled. "What seventh rule?"
"You said seven rules for success?"
"Did I? You sure?"
"I guess, I am."
"Then I would have told you all the seven rules."
"No. Gibbs. You told only six."
"You just learnt the seventh rule now, Mack! Just think and you'll realise it." Laughing boarded the car waiting outside the restaurant and went away.


What was the seventh rule? I was wondering. And as I walked back to my home, I realized what the seventh rule was. Never share all the rules. After all the boss should know one thing more than his subordinate.

But then, he shared all the seven rules. I suddenly had the doubt. Did he? I didn't know the answer. What I know now is that my success in the future lies in my ability to apply all the rules. And I will go about applying them. I shouted "I WILL WIN. COZ I CAN WIN. THEREFORE I HAVE TO WIN."


"Excuse me? You surely deserve to carry this."
Somebody woke me from my trance. I was standing just opposite a shop. With seven dots in a weird arrangement. Two on top. Three below. Two further below. The lad was handing out a mobile instrument. It was Blockberry. With the "O" looking like "A". Exactly like the one Gibbs had in his hands. I knew what to do. First. And the next.

Document and Send Email.

I'll be a winner. From now on! Go ahead. You can also be one.