On Pollachi and More

The gruesome Pollachi episode will forever remain etched in our memories. Anger, fear, frustration, disgust, helplessness... The myriad emotions that one experiences can barely be explained. One may not have experienced it first hand, but the fact that this incident is the closest to the epicentre that I have been. At least to the extent that I can immediately recollect.

All of us heard about the Grooming Gangs of England, who had been regularly exploiting teenage girls and conditioning them to submit to the gangs sexual fantasies and desires. Even when reading about those, I was largely indifferent thinking that these are things from faraway land, and not something that would ever happen in India. Leave alone in my own State. Definitely not in a town known for its rustic charm. Like most on the social media, I am not privy to all facts surrounding the case, expect to the limited extent I get to read on the news magazines, which are falling fast on the credibility meter.

Its been hogging my mind space over the past week or so with so many thoughts flooding from everywhere. We don't have a girl child. And as a father, I do miss having a girl child, for they are perceived be closer to the father. Considering all that happened at Pollachi, I am not sure if I feel relieved or glad. But when I realize that I have two sons, a different kind of fear comes up. A sense of even bigger responsibility. It is in this context that I begin this blog.

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Who is responsible for all such gruesome acts? It is obvious that the boys (or animals or monsters, as many have observed) are primarily responsible. It is their inhuman act that has devastated the lives of the girls, with scars which can never be fully erased. News reports are highlighting that in one of the video, the girl is screaming and begging the accused as "Anna" (i.e. brother), and despite that plea, the boy goes on to sexually abuse and violate that girl. 

If the scream and imploring the accused as a brother does not move or stop him, what kind of animal gene he is made of? What kind of psychotic traits is that boy exhibiting? Where or how does he get to behave in the way he behaves? For the physical violation, he is responsible. For the kind of animal he has become, who is responsible? Can any one actually be responsible except for the boy? When millions of boys grow up to become responsible and behave in a dignified manner, how is that some turn out to be absolute scums of this earth. Even assuming that many of them carry perverted thoughts in their mind, they do exhibit certain degree of restraint. Else, we would be having a planet full of rapists.

One common movie dialogue from movies of the yore where a boy misbehaves with a girl used to be hurled at the abuser / stalker "Don't you have sisters at home? Will you behave the same with them?". That used to be a whiplash to the brain and sensibilities. I used to presume (long back, that is) having a sister at home would result in certain degree of decency and restraint, and not think or treat the girl as an object of desire. Whatever little of that belief that I had has vanished when it is reported that one of the accused has a sister at home. Having a sister certainly did not stop the boys from treating the girls as pieces of meat. Nothing more than flesh to fulfill their carnal appetite. Their carnal urges (I will not call it as "desire", which has certain degree of respect) appear to be indifferent to presence or absence of women members in the family. 

Having a carnal desire isn't a crime. Not having one is a medical condition. It is how one intends to fulfil those carnal desire that differentiates the normal from the monster - is it through genuine consent or deceit / force / threat.

That brings to the influencing group - Parents, Teachers, Friends and Society in general. Parents in particular.

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I firmly believe that most of the character building happens at home. The parents have a very positive influence on how the kid grows. The active intervention and passive parenting, both contribute significantly to a child's character development. I do admit that different kids respond differently to the same parenting style. Therefore, over a period of time, even parents realize that they cannot have the same approach for all their kids. If they do, they are still contributing to the child's character, aggravating the child's violent mind.What is also true is that at some point, the kid outgrows the parent's influence. What is that stage?

If a kid copies at class test and lies at school or hits out at his class mate, I can understand that it can be addressed by parenting or it has its roots at home (even if not completely). If a grown up adult, a 23 or 24 something person does the same, I am not sure if the parent is still responsible. Even if that adult hides behind the parent when caught. Or the parent comes in front to face the ire, and starts defending the son ignoring all his ill actions. In the Pollachi case, can we hold the Parents responsible? Will it be fair to shame the entire family? Especially when all the accused thus far, have been financially independent men. It will be a crying shame to hold hold the parent responsible for the Bates persona of the monster adult men.

As a father of two boys, the entire Pollachi incident, is making me more aware and responsible. Every little action or inaction, participation or indifference, can have a lasting influence on my kid. I am as clueless as many parents as to till what time such an influence will last. Or even worse, till what time I (my action / inaction / words) can influence my son's character building. If as parents, me and my wife, can educate them on the concept of consent and treating the girls around him as fellow human, that in itself will be a massive accomplishment (going by what is happening).

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To what extent the schools and colleges are responsible? Can we always blame the society? Society is what we make of it. We, as in the general public, of which every individual is a contributor and a part of. One gets to both influence the society and also be influenced. One never knows when what happens. Schools and colleges are a different thing altogether. I recollect Henry Adam's words on the Teachers "A teacher affects eternity. He can never tell where his influence ends". Influential, a teacher can be, and by extension the school or college can be. To what extent? It is nobody's guess, and yet everybody's. Personally I believe the schools and school teachers have a larger influence on the character, and college teachers have a larger influence on career choices.

What about friends? Friends are mostly our choices. Our choices are the product of what we are. We gravitate towards those reflect our thoughts or desires. Someone around whom we are comfortable or happy. If our own value system has been largely good and morally correct, I don't think we will end up choosing a clown or a thug for a friend. 

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What is the punishment for such heinous crime? Death, they say. And I largely concur. Chemical castration is yet another call. I don't somehow agree. Punishment cannot be shaming the entire family. I was appalled to see images of family, including his sister, of the accused in the Pollachi case being circulated online. That's disgusting. Deplorable. Distasteful. It is not justice. Definitely not when random strangers share them.

Punishment cannot be thrashing the accused at the first sign of accusation, without there being any decent acceptable evidence. That's mob mentality. That in itself is a misplaced sense of outrage. Without any prima facie evidence, we can at best detain the accused. In rape cases, we cannot always jump the gun. Legally, I still believe that the rape accused should be arrested under a non-bailable warrant only if there exists prima facie evidence of a sexual assault or exploitation. If it is mere accusation, or of a very old incident, I don't think the arrest can be non-bailable. In the case of Pollachi incident, there appears to be a prima facie evidence. And therefore, it was surprising that the accused have been bailed. 

Reading lot of articles on how rape accused are treated inside jail, these guys will not last a month in the jail. Jail has lot of hardcore criminals. But the general consensus is that even those hardened criminals look down upon rapists and savagely attack the rape accused / rapists. Who can forget the treatment meted out to one of rapist of the Delhi Rape Case, who committed suicide not able to withstand the kind of attack he was repeatedly facing.

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Which brings me to other questions and thoughts.

Why aren't girls reporting these incidents immediately to police? That could have averted lot of subsequent events. The monster gains his strength from the silence of the victims, and in turn is more audacious in his next attempt for a bigger crime. Somewhere, we have been conditioned to think that these are matter of family honor, and we should not discuss with outsiders or tell anyone outside the family. Heck! When I failed for the first time in an exam, it was a Private Family Tragedy. My mother was worried about others knowing it, and was instructing my sister not to tell anyone. If for an exam failure, my mother had such an outlook, I am pretty sure it will be only even extreme for any other matter of "family honor". 

Mere confiding will only result in more blackmailing and extortion. A nude video cannot hold one's entire life at ransom. At worst it can show only her physical attributes and organs? To bury one's head in shame because some digital file contains images of a girls mammary gland or yoni is a tragedy of epic proportion. In the case of Pollachi, a news report highlighted that the girls thoughts on LGBT and premarital sex shared over social media conversations were used a blackmailing tool.

We need to educate the family and the girls that reporting these issues cannot affect the family honor. Even assuming it does, not reporting it is a crime, even not as big as the first abuse. By not reporting, and burying ourselves in fear of humiliation, we are indirectly becoming party to some else becoming a victim, and as said earlier, we are contributing to the strength of the monster.

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That brings me to the last of the thoughts. Are people so gullible to trust a friend made over Social Media to the extend of hiding them from their real world friends / parents? A facebook friend is not a friend. Heck, he or she is not even an acquaintance. He or she is a nobody. A fucking stranger. And to share lot of personal information and thoughts with random stranger is something that I have never managed to understand. In search of few more likes and retweets, and get that celebrity like feeling that lasts hardly for an hour or two, if people are falling prey to such approaches, either they are daft or plain blind in their aspiration to be under the spotlight.

If something is used as a tool for blackmail, one should have avoided doing it in the first place. Our naivety when uttering our deep thoughts to a random stranger, is often the starting point for the mess our lives become. Share nothing to anyone over text message or mail or video talks. You don't have to expose yourself to earn the approval of the opposite gender. You don't have to expose yourself to avoid being blackmailed over some silly texts. By doing that, you are exposing yourself to bigger blackmail and extortion. Repeatedly we hear and read that the guys try to emotionally intimidate the girl asking for her nudes by asking "Don't you trust me?". Answer is simple. Please don't trust him. Ask him to Google. It'd throw a billion nude images. All will satisfy his urge. He is not in need of the girl's nude images for procreation. But only to relieve himself of the immediate sexual urge. Any random nude image should do for such pervs.

Social Media is largely good for striking conversation with on a deferred time basis with our friends / colleagues. It is not an ocean to search a life partner from among a billion strangers, or a medium to satisfy your or someone else's sexual urges and desires. Social Media is not a ruse to makes ourselves believe that we are something else.

Real life is outside. We should stop ruining it believing the mirage to be true.